We Begin Again.....

Choosing Which Direction!

Goshen Prong Trail - Great Smoky Mountains National Park - January, 2012

I confess upfront that this post has no particular message to convey so it may be all over the place.  To be honest, I have struggled with sitting down to write and I'm not sure why.  I think about it all the time and thoughts swirl in my head throughout the day.  But getting them written down is another thing completely!  Perhaps I should cut myself some slack and remember that my life is unlike its ever been before and my "routine" as I knew it is most likely forever changed.  That's a bit scary and something with which I'm still coming to terms.  I've never been afraid of change, yet when you are in the midst of it with no real picture yet of what the other side is going to look like, that adds an additional element of uncertainty.  I loved your comments on my "Lighten Up" post and find myself repeating that over and over frequently.  There's already been so many vivid lessons on ways I really needed to learn this.  Just wish I could've learned it sooner and wish Bill didn't have to be suffering so much in order for me to learn it.

Speaking of Bill, he began the first of 30 radiation treatments last Thursday which means he will finish around the end of February.  We are beginning to be quite paranoid about any doctor appointment because it always seems to bring more news we don't like.  Thankfully, his doctors are all working together and after consulting with each other, had determined that even though the results of Bill's most recent PET Scan were very good and the chemo had done what it was supposed to, they wanted a add a very low dose of chemo to the radiation treatments in order to be absolutely certain that any rogue cells were eliminated once and for all.  We were assured that the chemo dose was so low he should feel no noticeable side effects.  Let's hope that is the case.  Bill was told that he should be "o.k." for the first couple of weeks of radiation.  He will experience some very nasty side effects unique to receiving radiation to the head and neck area.  We are doing everything possible to try and stay ahead of those and keep him as comfortable as we can.  We both just want this to be over!  

It has been so wonderful to have the Bill I've known and loved for all these years back for the last few weeks.  Neither of us realized how tired and run down he had really become and we wonder how long that tumor had been growing before we found it.  For the last month, he has had energy, enjoyed walking with me and we've spent so much time with friends/family.  He has loved being back in school.  So you can see how difficult it is to think of him having to step backward again in order to finish treatment and then take that huge leap forward.  

As I was looking for a picture for today's post, I had to look backward because I simply have not had my camera in hand.  Truthfully, right now I'm not even sure where it is!   The picture I posted caught my eye because I remember standing at that spot thinking what a perfect illustration of choices.  It would be my guess that those two streams come back together not to far beyond where you can see. That's the general pattern for the rivers in the Smokies.  The point is, you CAN'T see that and you DON'T know.  Our life will come back together.  Bill will finish treatment and we will move on.  In the meantime, I have to choose which path to take.  Do I choose to be afraid of how the treatment will effect him, depressed that this is happening to him at all or angry that it has effected ME so much?  Or do I choose to continue learning how this experience has taught me to "lighten up," reminded me that love and compassion for others is much more important than any personal agenda I might have and feeling gratitude for all the blessings/gifts I've received in the midst of pain and suffering?

Well, here's the deal!  A very tidy blog post would now declare that oh yes, I choose the later.  And I do chose the later!  But I don't mind admitting that I've spent some time on BOTH sides of that picture.  I am human and I love my husband.  I can't bear to watch him suffer physically or emotionally.  There are days when I am afraid, depressed and VERY angry.  I don't think I'd be human if I didn't admit to all those emotions.  

The other thing I noticed in that picture is the island or "oasis" in between those two streams.  I remember well the day I was there and having the conversation with my hiking bud about how wonderful it would be to camp on that island.  How calming it would be to sleep with the sound of that rushing water all around you.  So for now, I'll just say I'm spending time on both sides of that island and am so very thankful for the calm of the "oasis" in the middle which sometimes allows me to simply rest!  

Rest in the knowledge that somewhere up the road in the not two distant future, those streams will converge, we will move forward and all will be well!  

Where are you today?

In the difficult side of the stream, the easy side of the stream or resting on the island?