Lighten Up......My Theme For 2014!

Couldn't Resist One More Christmas Picture!

Our Living Room (Can't Believe I Didn't Turn the Fire On)

Although I have always been extremely goal-oriented with an ongoing list of written goals for which I am striving, I've never been one for making New Years resolutions.  I have, however, always loved having "themes" or "mantras" if (and ONLY if) something came to me without much effort.  If I had to think about it or work hard to come up with something, it always seemed forced.  2013 never had much of a theme for me and to be honest, it was a year of struggle almost from the beginning.  I didn't feel well much of the year, wasn't able to hike a lot because of that and although I kept my weight fairly steady, there wasn't much joy in the process. We didn't travel much and I missed that.  Bill was already feeling "tired" and we might should've suspected something was amiss even though he'd checked out perfectly at his annual physical.  Then halfway through the year, my life snowballed, first with the quick decision to buy the condo, our move and then finally, the total shock of Bill's cancer diagnosis.  Looking back over the year, about the only word I can come up with to describe it is chaos.  Yet I find myself looking back over it with gratitude for lessons learned.

As the year drew to a close, I found myself saying one thing to myself over and over at the strangest times over the weirdest things.  In one of those light-bulb moments, I realized that "lighten up" was going to my "theme" for 2014.  During the long, dark days of Bill's chemo treatments when he was so sick, my thoughts often turned to how often I stress over things which all of a sudden became very unimportant.  My needs and wants became very simple.  In fact, I only had one.  "Please make my husband well."  How much I weighed, what I ate, whether or not I ate sugar, how much money we had, where it was invested, when we would retire, where we'd travel next year, what I was going to wear to my niece's wedding, why the tire pressure light was on in my car, whether I had 10,000 steps that day or not, why wouldn't our house sell, yada, yada, yada.....you get the picture!  Sadly, I could go on and on and on.  Many times I'd come out of a fog, shake my head and just simply say to myself, "lighten up!"

As time went on and there began to be better days for Bill, I'd start thinking those same thoughts with a bit more clarity.  You see, I do believe all those things are important and life does require us to live responsibly and plan for our futures.  But I also believe that for me, personally, way too much time, energy and effort was being put into some of those things when it could be much better used elsewhere.  Some of those things were coming between me, my relationships with others and even more importantly, my ability to love others unconditionally.  

So this year is going to be my year to "lighten up!"  My mind is swirling with ideas that will be challenging, but combined with other things happening in my/our life, will also (if properly and sacrificially applied) make me a better person.  Over the next several posts, I'm going to break down some of the areas in which I intend to "lighten up" and share my thoughts with you in the hopes that you'll have some ideas to share with me in return.  I'm excited and ready to write!

Processing.........

First Baptist Church, Lebanon, TN - December 14, 2013

This was the scene from the balcony of the church about one hour prior to the wedding ceremony of my niece.  It was quiet, peaceful and one of the most beautiful settings I'd experienced in a long time.  Bill and I simply "sat" with our thoughts, emotions, fears and excitement.  For so many weeks prior to the wedding, we had no idea if we'd even be able to be there, so we also sat there with tears of joy and thanksgiving.  The ceremony was simple, elegant and perfect.  She was a beautiful bride and we couldn't be prouder of her.  We are so thankful that she chose to attend the University of Tennessee for her undergrad studies and now is in her second year of Vet School also at UT.  We will have her here for another couple of years and secretly wish she might join a Vet Practice locally so we can keep her forever.

 

 Aunt Sharon, Uncle Bill and Niece April

December 14, 2013

Not the greatest picture in the world of Bill and me....I think our weariness shows both in our posture and our faces.  Bill was less than three weeks out from his last chemo treatment and the trip wore him out, but like I said, we were just thankful to be there!

December 14, 2013

I wanted you to see this picture so you could see our other niece, April's younger sister, of whom we are equally proud, plus my gorgeous sister and brother-in-law!  April honored me by asking to wear MY wedding veil and I thought it worked perfectly with her dress.  It has been almost 37 years since that veil was worn the first time!

We had a wonderful Christmas!  Bill's strength has returned slowly, but steadily.  We have taken full advantage of our first holiday season in the condo by entertaining small groups several times and hosting my family's Christmas celebration.  It has been just what we both needed - precious time surrounded by friends and family.  

The New Year rolled in quietly and peacefully.  I am not the least bit embarrassed to tell you we were both sound asleep at the stroke of midnight.  We spent yesterday taking down Christmas decorations, talking about the challenges we faced in 2013 and making plans for 2014 which will also begin with more challenges.  

Bill had his post-Chemo PET Scan this past Monday and we will meet with his Radiation Oncologist next Tuesday to discuss results and determine where we go from here.  We are told that radiation is in his future no matter what the scan tells us "as a precaution!"  He is not looking forward to that, but in his usual fashion, is facing it head on and doing everything he can NOW to pave the way by being as healthy as he can.  He is eating well and gaining weight.  I am reading everything I can get my hands on about what he will be able to eat while undergoing radiation and how I can help him be creative in getting calories in his body!  

We are just so very, very ready for this to be in his past and he be given a clean slate!  We've already spent many hours discussing what we will do with this clean slate and how we will be different.  I'll be sharing some of our thoughts in upcoming posts!  In the meantime, I hope that each of you are looking forward to 2014 with anticipation and remembering 2013 more for what you gained than what you lost!

Thanks So Much for Continuing to Read Gains and Losses!

Your Support Has Meant the World To Me!

The Journey Continues.....

Our First Snow From the Condo Sun Porch

November 27, 2013

To my Blog Friends who are digging out from the weekend snow, this doesn't look like much, but it was significant for a couple of reasons.  November 27 is VERY early for us here in East Tennessee to have snow at all, much less enough that can actually be seen laying on the ground. It was fun for us because it was the first snow since we moved into our condo.  Unfortunately, it was the day before Thanksgiving also known as the heaviest travel day of the year, so while we were enjoying our little skiff of snow, our neighbors to the west, north and northeast were either cursing the weather or getting ready to curse it over the next 24 hours!  

Speaking of enjoying the snow from our condo Sun Porch, I am starting this post with very happy news.  Unless something goes horribly wrong between now and 2 p.m., this picture says it all........

Our old house is SOLD!  We close today at 2 p.m.  We will once again be the owners of only one residence!  In the end, it took less than six months for the house to sell which, in today's market, is a fact for which we should be grateful.  However, given all we've been through in that six months, it has seemed like an absolute eternity!  Driving through the neighborhood, there are a plethora of houses for sale (many of which were for sale long before ours) and I saw no other SOLD signs except for the one in our yard. 

We never questioned the move and continue to fall more in love with our condo and its location with each passing day.  In fact, I'm not sure we've ever seen more clearly the hand of God working behind the scenes weaving the tapestry of our lives in the way that best prepared us for the journey we were about to begin!  But in the weaving, there's sure been some lessons learned about what is important, what is NOT important and how we plan to live our lives for the remainder of the time we have on this earth. 

Bill's Chemo journey is over.  Round Three was very difficult as we expected.  We were told very candidly that the effects of chemo are cumulative and we found that to be true.  Thankfully, he is now three weeks out and for the first time in nine weeks, we begin a week in which he DOESN'T have to go in for a treatment and we can truly begin to see him recover.  His appetite is returning slowly, food is tasting good again although he has to eat very slowly as the food takes awhile to work its way down a very irritated (from the chemo) path to his stomach.   But that has even seen a noticeable improvement over the past couple of days.  The fatigue is still a factor.  He sleeps at least 10 hours each night and takes one or two naps each afternoon.  We have to be mindful of the fact that he has just completed the semester at school and is ALWAYS tired on this week of the year.  We are confident that this week will see much improvement all the way around.

The doctor was very happy with Bill's response to the Chemo.  The swelling in his neck has completely disappeared and he is no longer able to feel the knot that was the tumor.  However, the next PET Scan scheduled for December 30th will show us what, if anything, is still going on inside.  Unfortunately, he was told that he would likely be facing radiation after the first of the year.  This was a huge downer for us as we weren't expecting it.  And certainly not the number of radiation treatments that was thrown out.  We've been doing lots of research and will have lots of questions for the doctor.  

But for now, we are rejoicing that the chemo is over and that Bill is beginning to rebound.  He is far from the Energizer Bunny Bill I'm used to, but I see glimpses and my heart soars with gratitude.  We have learned so much about life, time, love, commitment and all those things people who have been married for 36 1/2 years MIGHT have begun to take for granted.  I expect you'll be hearing about many of those things after the first of the year.

I am not taking any sort of formal Blogging "break," but please know that my posting may be sporadic through the end of the year (as if it already hasn't been!  LOL!).  My focus is totally on what is right in front of me here at home.  With Bill feeling slightly better, we are working on finding balance between the friends and family who've missed us and want to spend time with us and keeping Bill rested and more importantly, WELL.   

But then who knows.....I've enjoyed writing this post so much, I may write another one!  There is so much to tell.  I am so grateful for the joy this blog has brought into my life and the friends I've made.

What are your Christmas plans?  Will you travel?  Are you ready?

Two Down, One To Go!

Little River Trail - Great Smoky Mountains National Park

November 19, 2013

I don't know what it's like in your neck of the woods, but the frigid winter air with a stiff north wind accompanying it arrived in East Tennessee with a vengeance!  We went from mild, autumn like temps with calm breezes (perfect walking weather) to low 20s with wind chills in the teens OVERNIGHT!!  Yesterday was clear with brilliant sunshine, but somehow you could just tell by looking out the windows that the sunshine was deceiving!  

We had the most wonderful weekend!  Bill has had an excellent "recovery" week following round two of his chemotherapy treatments.  His appetite and taste buds returned, he regained some weight and his energy level, although obviously compromised, has allowed him to do some things he enjoyed.  One of which was decorating our home for Christmas.  We traditionally decorate on the Friday following Thanksgiving (which should tell you exactly how we feel about Black Friday), but given this year will be totally different, we decided to go ahead and decorate while Bill was feeling good.  Since we have a whole new place to decorate, we wanted the time to be really special.  And it was.  We got started Friday evening, took a break on Saturday and finished up on Sunday afternoon.  The condo looks beautiful and it is amazing how lovely our decorations look and fit in the new spaces.  The only thing we had to buy was a wreath for the front door.  The only thing we can't use are the giant wreaths which we always placed on the front windows of our 70-year old Cape Cod we moved out of!  I am so glad we got this done.  It will bring Bill a great deal of comfort next week when he is feeling so miserable!

On Saturday, we enjoyed our traditional Thanksgiving feast with our families!  Who says it HAS to be on Thursday?  The only "tradition" we didn't get to do was watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade!  Thanksgiving is our favorite holiday and we have followed traditions established 36 years ago when we first got married.  When his treatment plan was set, Bill almost immediately recognized that Thanksgiving Day would fall during his lowest part of round three and he'd be unable to go anywhere, see anyone or do anything!  It was a tough pill to swallow, but after making it through round one and seeing that there truly is a "recovery" period, it was his idea to celebrate our Thanksgiving on the Saturday before when he would feel his best.  It was a wonderful day of thanksgiving and celebration.  Yes, Thursday will still be tough, but we'll be o.k.

Thanks to dear friends, Gene and Judi Curp, I was able to hike in my beloved mountains last Tuesday.  On a spectacular autumn day in the Smokies, we did the five mile Cucumber Gap Loop, and as always, I was reminded that there is no better therapy than doing what you love with friends who love you!  How eternally grateful I will always be for the friends I have met through writing this blog!  

Yes, Round Three is tomorrow and yes, we wish it were behind us.  Because of the holiday, this round is a tiny bit different.  The med which is continuously infused through a pump will come off on Wednesday instead of Friday shortening it by 48 hours and halving the amount of the drug he will receive.  His oncologist has been very pleased with Bill's progress and says this will be "enough."  We believe this is the med that has made him the sickest over the longest period of time, so we are in hopes that the shorter infusion time might make a difference in how sick he is and might allow him to "recover" a bit earlier!  However, we are also a bit nervous as the holiday weekend also means we will be without the "lifeline" of our doctor's office from Wednesday evening through Monday morning.  Yes, they are available and a doctor is on call, but it still isn't the same as being able to reach them immediately.  Should Bill become dehydrated, he'd have to go to ER rather than to the office for fluids!  So please keep us in your thoughts this week and specifically, that he will be able to drink enough fluids on his own to stay hydrated and the shortened infusion period will allow him to recover quicker!

I wish each of you a Happy Thanksgiving.  Please, PLEASE take time to celebrate every blessing you've been given.  Live every moment to its fullest potential never forgetting that everything can change in an instant!  And in the midst of your Thanksgiving, find someone who might NOT be feeling "blessed" right now and using the resources you have, see if you can't make a difference in their day.  

Thank You for the Blessing of Your Friendship!

Round Two Is Behind Us!

Covered Bridge near Tellico Plains, TN

November 3, 2013

I am so thankful to report that yes, Chemo Treatment Round Two is behind us.  Bill has entered the "recovery" period and will have a week of reprieve before his third and last treatment on Monday, November 25.  In many ways, round two was a bit easier as we were able to make some adjustments in meds based on the things we learned from round one.  As we'd been told, round two was similar to round one in the timing of how specific side effects hit.  But there were many things that were different and with the nausea better controlled, it seems a couple of other unpleasant side effects took center stage.  His "recovery" period actually was a full day later in getting here.  We weren't expecting that!  The cumulative effects are more evident as he is still quite fatigued, has lost more weight and just doesn't have the stamina he'd hoped for.  He is doing a terrific job managing his activity and trying his best to eat food that will provide nourishment even though those aren't necessarily the things which sound the best to him.  He is sleeping well and that, in itself is a blessing. 

How am I coping?  That's a good question.  Some days I feel like I'm doing great - other days, not so much!  Some days, this all still seems like a dream and I'll wake up with everything being as it was except that I'll have a renewed appreciation for the strengths of my husband and the stability he has always brought to our marriage.  We've talked a lot over the past few weeks about how neither of us feel we've ever taken the other for granted, but when faced with having to handle EVERYTHING, you suddenly realize how much your spouse does on a daily basis that he just did and you never thought twice about it.  Most days, I'm well aware that this is no dream and we have a long way to go before our life will be "normal" again.  I also believe that our "normal" will look very different.  We are both changed people (for the better, I hope).  Another topic of conversation has been ways in which we will live differently with priorities that might be a bit kinder, gentler and less self-centered. I expect there will be a lot more about that in upcoming blog posts!

There are a few things I have managed to do quite well and I think that has been advantageous to my overall ability to cope.  I have faithfully exercised with very few days that I have not recorded at least 10,000 steps on my pedometer.  When Bill has been so sick, I've been unable to eat either, so yes, I've lost weight, but during his recovery week, we eat well and therefore, my weight balances out.  During the most stressful period I've ever experienced, I'm managing to maintain an exercise routine AND maintain my weight.  That tells me I've learned something through the years that is able to run on auto-pilot when it has to.  My dear friend, Debby, wrote a post over the weekend that really spoke to me and said some of these same things.  She's been doing some thinking too!  Here's a link to that post.

The thing which seems to be most evident of my stress is my inability to concentrate.  I can't settle down to read, I have no desire to cook, even sitting down to write takes a lot of effort.  I leave one room to get something out of another and when I get there, I can't remember what I needed.  I've learned that leaving the house without a detailed, specific list of where I'm going and what I need from each store is futile.  Bill doesn't seem to be having this problem - I'm the one who seems to have Chemo brain!

When you read this, I will either be heading out to my beloved mountains to hike or already be there.  Thanks to wonderful friends who have said, just let us know when you can go, we've planned a short hike to accommodate the fact that I'm way out of shape, but it will get me in the woods and on a trail.  Right now, I can't think of anything more therapeutic.

Seasons Come, Seasons Go........

Great Smoky Mountains National Park - Foothills Parkway

November 3, 2013

The autumn season has come and gone here in the mountains of East Tennessee and I have largely missed observing it.   I'm learning a lot of valuable lessons about seasons of life as they come.  I hope and pray that I will be a better person who applies these life lessons as this difficult season passes.  I'm sure I'll be writing about some of the things I've learned as time goes by, but for today, I just want to show you a few pictures we took last Sunday (a week ago) on Bill's last day of "recovery" before chemo treatment round two began Monday.  

We just wanted to see some of fall foliage without the headache of traffic and thankfully, we are natives of this area and know exactly where to go to avoid the nightmares of Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge.  We headed toward the Foothills Parkway in Blount County and this is what we found.

Mile after mile of stunning yellow, red and orange trees with stunning vistas of the mountains in the background.  And just look at that road up ahead totally free of traffic.  At that hour of the morning, most tourists were in one of the many Pancake Houses back in the towns!

After exiting the parkway, we made our way out of the park and headed across some backroads few people know about and into the Cherokee National Forest to get a look at Bald River Falls.     We knew the falls would be crowded on a Sunday afternoon and would be at less than optimal flow in the dry season of early November, but took the risk anyway.

Bald River Falls - Cherokee National Forest

November 3, 2013

Remember, I am no photographer and I've posted pics of this waterfall before, but always taken in the early morning as I began the hike that runs alongside the waterfall for several miles.  I don't think I've ever seen the falls with this little water.  Normally the flow covers the rocks and I've see it tumbling ferociously during the rainy season.  And yes, we found the crowds here so we didn't linger.  Besides we were hungry and knew just where we were going...........

Don't come to the Tellico Beach Drive-In expecting anything fancy.  In fact, what you see in these pics is pretty much what you get as far as atmosphere, plus there is that big sign by the window that says, "no credit cards" and "no public restrooms!"  Waiting in line is guaranteed and believe me, they get in no hurry.  What you WILL get is a hamburger or hot dog made to order like they USED to make them before fast food joints ruined everything and crinkle cut french fries to die for.  

Fine waterfront dining at the Tellico Beach Drive-In

November 3, 2013

After our delicious lunch, we headed home.  Bill tires very easily and we'd been gone since early morning.  We were so thankful that he felt good and we were able to spend his last day before starting all over again out enjoying this autumn season as we watch it go!

 

We aren't real good with selfies, but I thought this one came out pretty good!

He looks normal to me since I'm used to him wearing a hat - who would know there's no hair under there?

Chemo treatment round two began one week ago today.  It's effects on Bill have been similar to round one, but we did learn some things and his doctor helped us with some ideas for managing the horrible nausea a little better this time.  But there are no two ways around it, chemo is awful for the person receiving the treatment and difficult for the caregiver to watch someone they love suffer so.  You would do ANYTHING to take away the sickness.  If this round continues to progress as the last one did, he will enter into his "recovery" period on Thursday and then have 1 1/2 weeks before treatment number three on November 25.  

Your kind words  have helped me tremendously and Bill is simply awed by so much support from folks who don't even know him!

Please continue to keep us in your prayers!

My Day In The Woods

Backcountry Campsite #18 - West Prong Trail

GSMNP - October 28, 2013

I honestly can't remember which of us discovered the blog of the other first, but Pam @ Nomadic Newfies and I have been reading each other's blogs for well over a year.  Pam and her husband live in Wisconsin and are still employed, but do a good bit of traveling each year in their RV.  I love seeing a state with which I'm unfamiliar through the eyes of someone who lives there, so I truly enjoy reading Pam's blog.  I've known for many months that they were planning to spend a couple of weeks in the Smokies during October and we both looked forward to meeting and doing some hiking together.  First, the government shutdown appeared as if it were going to derail their plans and then I got sidetracked with Bill's illness and treatment schedule.  It just didn't look like it was going to happen and I was so disappointed.  Thankfully, things stabilized here and we were finally able to get together on one of their last days in Tennessee.

Being sorely out of hiking shape and Pam still a bit intimidated by her midwestern, flatland hiking options at home, we chose a combination of two trails that are favorites of mine, yet very easy by Smokies standards.  The total hike was right at six miles which was perfect.  The easy and gentle terrain making it comfortable for us to talk while we enjoyed our surroundings.  As is the case with every single person I've met via this blog, Pam is delightful and I can only hope that there are more opportunities for us to hike again in the future.

I was happy to notice that at the lower elevation at which we were hiking, the trees had barely begun to change although here and there, we'd come across something stunning......

 I am hoping that Bill will feel well enough at some point during round two that we might at least be able to get out and enjoy some fall foliage, something that is normally a huge part of our year, but this year has simply been forgotten.  The hike yesterday reminded me that life does go on, seasons change and while things in nature will lie dormant for awhile, new life is just waiting to spring forth in a few months.  Hmmmmm, surely there is something in there that I need to embrace!

Thanks, Pam!  It was a wonderfully therapeutic day for me.  I hope for more just like it in the future!

Bill has enjoyed a good week in which he has felt almost "normal."  His appetite returned quickly with a few odd exceptions of things that still taste like metal, but thankfully he has eaten well and regained much of the weight he lost those horrible nine days after round one.

He begins round two today.  We have spent a good bit of time with his Oncologist and talked about ways we think his nausea can be better managed this time, so we are hopeful that this round will go a little smoother than last.  But there are no two ways about it, chemo is rough and Bill's specific treatment protocol is agressive, so keep him in your thoughts and prayers over the next several days.  At least we know there is a reprieve and the worst will have passed in about nine days.

Our fall foliage is just about at peak here in the East Tennessee valley and with Bill feeling well, we have covered lots of ground looking at leaves the past couple of days.  I'll share some pictures in my next post along with an update as to how round two is going.

One last shot of my hike with Pam that I can't resist posting.  Pam enjoys photography and seems to me to be pretty good at it, but one thing is for sure.....she'll do most anything to get the shot she wants.  I loved this picture....it is so HER!!

 All for the shot of a Sassafras Tree

(which apparently aren't found in Wisconsin)

Since I'll have lots of quiet time this week while caring for Bill, tell me what's happening in your life that I can keep in my heart and thoughts!