Which Direction?

 

Beautiful mosaic tile on sidewalk leading to Ca d'Zan Mansion, home of John and Mable Ringling

Sarasota, Florida - December 27, 2010

Most visitors to the Ringling Estate on a bitterly cold Florida day walked right over this meticulously detailed mosaic without every seeing it - their eyes were looking straight ahead at the quite ostentatious mansion which John and Mable Ringling completed in 1925.  But my eyes were drawn to the sidewalk, so I asked Mr. B to take a picture of it instinctively knowing that there would be a perfect time to share it with you. 

I feel as if I'm standing right in the middle of that mosaic with absolutely no clue as to which direction I need to turn.  But note this:  While figuring out which way to turn, I'm standing in the bright warmth of sunlight and even in my confusion, it feels calm, right and good.  

We've been snowed in since Sunday evening.  Mr. B's Community College was completely closed for two days and didn't open until 10 this morning.  No one can remember the last time this happened.  I sincerely doubt that most elementary and high schools will go back at all this week.  But we were prepared and had plenty to do.  I have spent the better part of two days re-reading every word of my own blog and doing a lot of related soul searching and deep digging.  I will have to say that if you've never gone back and read your OWN blog from beginning to end, I'd highly recommend it!  You'll find lots there that you'd forgotten you wrote, patterns which you may or may not be proud of, but most importantly, in reading your own words you remember why you are doing this in the first place.  In seeing the big picture of almost months of blogging, some things became much clearer as a whole "book" than they'd ever been post by post.  Spending this time was much more valuable to me than an equal amount of time spent reading other blogs.  

I can tell you that I think I've got it figured out.  I know WHY I overeat and I know what I'm using food as a substitute for.  Unfortunately, at this point in time, I'm not ready to share what those things are.  Here's why.  I can sum the whole thing up with three separate words, all of which would mean something different to you than what they mean to me in terms of discovery.  So your perception would be much different than MY reality.  And I think that's PRECISELY why I've been unable to admit or understand this until now.  I don't WANT to attach these three words to me because in the Webster definition of these words, they would NOT apply to me.  But given my life up to now, in a way unique to me, these words are totally descriptive of what's happening.  Maybe someday soon I'll share - right now, I just can't!  

But discovery is useless (in fact, can be paralyzing) without direction and direction requires having a sense of which way to turn.  I'm torn between excitement and terror, both words expressed to you with the EXACT meaning you understand!!!  Terror at the idea of stepping out of comfort zones and excitement at stepping out of comfort zones!  Both require courage and both require change.  I've got some ideas for starting and when I think of my ideas, my heart starts pounding and I catch myself smiling.  What I DON'T catch myself doing is thinking about food.   In fact, it's nowhere on the radar!  

So I'm standing in the warmth of the sunshine feeling calm and serene, but at the same time, turning in circles trying to determine what to do next.   One thing is for sure - if I don't get out of this house soon, I'm going NUTS!  Whoops, now I"m thinking about food again.   LOL!

I apologize for a post that is so vague.  But my first priority is working through my own issues so that I can reach my goal weight.  I've learned a lot through this exercise of re-reading my own blog.   If you take nothing else from this post, I'd strongly encourage you to do the same.  I promise it will be enlightening!  

BTW, I thoroughly enjoyed our day at the Ringling Estate.  I had never been there and it is truly a full day's worth of things to do.  The mansion, museum and gardens are delightful.  If you ever have an opportunity to visit, I highly recommend it.  There is a miniature hand-carved model of a circus inside one of the museums that was just fascinating.  Unfortunately, this was the one day that was bitterly cold with a fierce wind, so we did not get to roam around in the gardens as much as I'd have liked.  There was an exquisite rose garden, but it was just to cold to enjoy!  Here's a picture of the mansion from the front.  Just can't leave it without a remark about the vast chasm between the "have's" and the "have-not's."  I sincerely doubt that any of Mr. Ringling's circus employees lived in a home like this. Guess some things never change!

 

 

Have you ever gone back and read your own blog from beginning to now?  What did you learn?