Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Which Direction?

Beautiful mosaic tile on sidewalk leading to Ca d'Zan Mansion, home of John and Mable Ringling
Sarasota, Florida - December 27, 2010

Most visitors to the Ringling Estate on a bitterly cold Florida day walked right over this meticulously detailed mosaic without every seeing it - their eyes were looking straight ahead at the quite ostentatious mansion which John and Mable Ringling completed in 1925.  But my eyes were drawn to the sidewalk, so I asked Mr. B to take a picture of it instinctively knowing that there would be a perfect time to share it with you. 

I feel as if I'm standing right in the middle of that mosaic with absolutely no clue as to which direction I need to turn.  But note this:  While figuring out which way to turn, I'm standing in the bright warmth of sunlight and even in my confusion, it feels calm, right and good.  

We've been snowed in since Sunday evening.  Mr. B's Community College was completely closed for two days and didn't open until 10 this morning.  No one can remember the last time this happened.  I sincerely doubt that most elementary and high schools will go back at all this week.  But we were prepared and had plenty to do.  I have spent the better part of two days re-reading every word of my own blog and doing a lot of related soul searching and deep digging.  I will have to say that if you've never gone back and read your OWN blog from beginning to end, I'd highly recommend it!  You'll find lots there that you'd forgotten you wrote, patterns which you may or may not be proud of, but most importantly, in reading your own words you remember why you are doing this in the first place.  In seeing the big picture of almost months of blogging, some things became much clearer as a whole "book" than they'd ever been post by post.  Spending this time was much more valuable to me than an equal amount of time spent reading other blogs.  

I can tell you that I think I've got it figured out.  I know WHY I overeat and I know what I'm using food as a substitute for.  Unfortunately, at this point in time, I'm not ready to share what those things are.  Here's why.  I can sum the whole thing up with three separate words, all of which would mean something different to you than what they mean to me in terms of discovery.  So your perception would be much different than MY reality.  And I think that's PRECISELY why I've been unable to admit or understand this until now.  I don't WANT to attach these three words to me because in the Webster definition of these words, they would NOT apply to me.  But given my life up to now, in a way unique to me, these words are totally descriptive of what's happening.  Maybe someday soon I'll share - right now, I just can't!  

But discovery is useless (in fact, can be paralyzing) without direction and direction requires having a sense of which way to turn.  I'm torn between excitement and terror, both words expressed to you with the EXACT meaning you understand!!!  Terror at the idea of stepping out of comfort zones and excitement at stepping out of comfort zones!  Both require courage and both require change.  I've got some ideas for starting and when I think of my ideas, my heart starts pounding and I catch myself smiling.  What I DON'T catch myself doing is thinking about food.   In fact, it's nowhere on the radar!  

So I'm standing in the warmth of the sunshine feeling calm and serene, but at the same time, turning in circles trying to determine what to do next.   One thing is for sure - if I don't get out of this house soon, I'm going NUTS!  Whoops, now I"m thinking about food again.   LOL!

I apologize for a post that is so vague.  But my first priority is working through my own issues so that I can reach my goal weight.  I've learned a lot through this exercise of re-reading my own blog.   If you take nothing else from this post, I'd strongly encourage you to do the same.  I promise it will be enlightening!  

BTW, I thoroughly enjoyed our day at the Ringling Estate.  I had never been there and it is truly a full day's worth of things to do.  The mansion, museum and gardens are delightful.  If you ever have an opportunity to visit, I highly recommend it.  There is a miniature hand-carved model of a circus inside one of the museums that was just fascinating.  Unfortunately, this was the one day that was bitterly cold with a fierce wind, so we did not get to roam around in the gardens as much as I'd have liked.  There was an exquisite rose garden, but it was just to cold to enjoy!  Here's a picture of the mansion from the front.  Just can't leave it without a remark about the vast chasm between the "have's" and the "have-not's."  I sincerely doubt that any of Mr. Ringling's circus employees lived in a home like this. Guess some things never change!

Have you ever gone back and read your own blog from beginning to now?  What did you learn?


  1. I have not and I almost shudder at the thought because I know that in my early blog days I was seemingly in a much better place than I am now. And I had some profound posts, if I do say so myself, but they were just words... with no long-term action to follow them up.

  2. So glad you're learning things about yourself and your relationship with food, Sharon. It's a major part of this battle! You are on a journey to discovery!!

  3. Oh yes. Actually, I kept a journal starting 10 years ago, and when I reread how many times I went around and around the same damn mountain, I finally said, "ENOUGH" and started to climb it. :) I so understand everything you wrote. Perception is such a huge factor, isn't it? It doesn't matter what we think, it only matters that YOU know your own heart. "Seek me and know my heart" is a phrase that always stops me in my tracks - reminds me I am not here to prove myself to "others" but only to know myself. True Enlightenment. It's okay if most of the world doesn't get me... I get me and I know God gets me. ;) You are on a beautiful path... guided by light and love. I am inspired. ;) Janelle

  4. Hey I live in vague, don't worry about it! And when and if you are ready to share, we will be here to support. The fear of the unknown scares me, but often the fear of the known suffocates me, so I hear ya. Love the mosaic reference BTW. So many different, insignificant pieces come together to create something so beautiful, or grandiose, depending on your point of view I guess...

    Polar's Mom

  5. No I have not done that...I am having a hard time trying to find time to write on my blog. Maybe I need some snow days!! They were predicting an epic storm and we got a trace of snow. Geez that is so disappointing! I would love a snow day. So enjoy!!!

    Keep focused!

  6. I'm currently re-reading my blog, and mostly what I've learned is that although I've tweaked things here and there, my basic M.O. remains the same. I'm grateful for that.

  7. I have gone back and read certain posts, but not start to finish. I'm not ready for that yet, although it might make me remember to do some things that have gone by the wayside.

  8. I have gone back and reread my blog. You are right, there was a lot I had forgotten. For me, there were a few 'what were you thinking!' moments as well.

    Congratulations on the breakthrough. I'm sure you'll find the right direction for you.

  9. Wise words to go back and read our own blogs. I will do that sometime.

    One of the best parts of this post for me was the ideas that are spinning in your head. Whatever they are, Sharon, the fact that they DO NOT spin your head in a food direction is something profound. I hope you to act on your ideas. Yes, they take courage and change. But isn't that worth it??

  10. Sharon, I loved hearing about the Ringling Estate -- something I will want to explore if I'm ever in that part of the world. And, I loved the photo of the beautiful mosaic.

    Well,you said you've figured out why you overeat and it can be summed up in three words. This sounds like a riddle so I've come up with some possible answers:

    Love Mashed Potatoes
    Love Ice Cream
    Love chewy bagels

    No? None of the above. Well, I will be waiting patiently for your post about your revelation. Isn't it exciting and interesting to do some serious introspection and discover new or long-forgotten things about yourself?

  11. Hi Sharon,

    Wow, your blog really made me stop and think about my life, why I eat the way I do, and what am I going to do to get off of that roller-coaster! I can think of three words for myself too - probably different than yours, but something for me to ponder on. I am going to take that challenge and go back and re-read my blog, I will probably learn something about myself; I might not like it, and then again, it might not be so bad... :0)

    The mosaic is beautiful - I would love to visit the mansion - I love old building, houses and museums!

    Thanks for making me think!

  12. I don't know if I've re-read my whole blog, but I do re-read my posts often. Might be interesting to re-read in chronological order. That would take me quite a while though.

    I'll be interested in hearing your insights.

  13. Analysis is fantastic, but not worth much until it is pared with action - so true, and great insight, Sharon!

    That mosaic is amazing. You know top talent had to be used to create that. "No expense spared" probably.

    The mountains have really been hammered. Banner Elk has had something like 40" already this season. Strap on some snowshoes and start hiking!

  14. Good morning Sharon - we may be soul sisters! While everyone else was looking at the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, I was agog over the floors!

    You are describing where I am, as well. It's only by getting to a point of "being in the sun" that I am able to look down, pick up some of the rocks at my feet and see just is what is under them. What nastiness is scurrying about down there? It was too scary to do before now. I'm grateful for the now - even if it is scary.

  15. Yeah for a break through! I have not gone back and read my blog posts over but I have seen where some other bloggers have been doing just that. It is good sometimes to review where we have been so we can appreciate where we are now.

  16. I have read parts of my blog. I enjoy reading it. I will do the same thing with my other journals, but it is always very interesting to see what happened.

    How exciting it is to make your discovery.