Tuesday, February 28, 2017
After driving all day Monday, I took this picture on a Riverwalk I found!
Any idea what State I might be in? - February 27, 2017
I am feeling a bit overwhelmed these days and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Saturday was an in class day and when you read this, I will actually be on the road traveling. My life has changed so much and seems to just keep changing faster than I can keep up with it. It is catching up with me. Let’s see if I can explain.
As purely awful as living through the death of a spouse is, in some ways, at least for a time, life was easier because it was so simple. I operated in total shock and a complete fog. Most of the time, I couldn’t have even told you what day it was. From the very first, I stayed alone at night, but during the day, couldn’t stand to be alone for more than a couple of hours at a time. Friends checked on me and kept my calendar full. I simply got up every morning, looked at my calendar and did what it told me to do.
Weeks went by and although I couldn’t bear the thought of traveling anywhere and didn’t have the mental capacity to plan a trip even if I’d wanted to, I did find comfort with a few different sets of friends within an hour or two of home. I was also incredibly blessed to be given access to the mountain home of friends which was another place to which I could escape.
As I look back on that time, as hard as it was, it was also very peaceful and simple. And I liked that! I knew better than to get involved in anything stressful and everyone around me was sensitive to my situation, no one asked or demanded anything of me. I just went quietly through each day hoping and praying I was handling my grief in a healthy way.
Little by little, almost imperceptibly, one day I realized my life no longer felt that way. Once more, I was able to think, plan and manage my time without being led around like a child. I am not even remotely capable of the level of activity I used to maintain, but I see myself inadvertently headed there and that’s why I feel so overwhelmed.
It’s hard to admit that there’s any part of this that I’ve LIKED, but the simplicity of those early days can’t be ignored. When I came in late Saturday evening after spending eight hours in class, my mind was whirling with all I needed to do in order to be ready to leave yesterday morning for two weeks of varied activity along with the added pressures of having the condo secured, my mom taken care of, Bill’s mom taken care of, bills paid, mail gotten, blah, blah, blah!
And I will admit the thought crossed my mind, “is this really what I need to be doing?” or is there a better balance between total fog and where I am today? I don’t have an answer, but it’s something worth thinking about and what was on my mind when I sat down to write.
So what do you do when you start to feel overwhelmed and has there been a time when you weren’t? When you compare the two, where did you find the balance?