I Think I Am Making Progress!

Appalachian Trail near Carver's Gap on the TN/NC border

June, 2008

Truth is, I don't know where to start.  I have changed the title of this post four times.  The picture says it all.   This is one of my all time favorite trails, but who would know that by the barren, rather sad-looking path you see here.  Yes, you see the glimpses of sunlight, but you have no way of knowing that continuing along this trail for another fifteen minutes of steep uphill climbing, will bring you to this:

Round Bald - Appalachian Trail on the TN/NC Border

Yes, I think I am making progress, but it is not without pain and I am struggling mightily.  I am so much in the first picture that I rather realistically saw myself  floating along that trail.  But where I want (and desperately need) to see myself is standing at the apex of Round Bald in the second picture.  I've been there - I know what it feels like and I want it back.  NOW!!   But that is not to be until I've done the work and learned the lessons required.  

You don't need all the gory details, but suffice it to say, I haven't lost any weight, I have probably gained more weight, yesterday's binge was unlike any I've seen in a long, long time, the normal things I do to distract me are having no impact, and even Mr. B is losing patience with me.  How do I know?  When you've lived with someone for 33 years, you can see it in their eyes.  (I'm may be in trouble because he does read my blog!)  But here's true confession #1:  Until this morning, I didn't even care.

During my devotional/quiet time this morning, I asked (begged would be more fitting) for wisdom, help, guidance, a swift kick in the ever increasing butt, ANYTHING that might spur me back to progress in becoming the healthy, happy, content and joyful me I want to be.  I was reminded of the direction this blog was headed just prior to the hospitalization and death of my FIL.  I went back and reread this post, this post and became so mesmerized that I continued reading through the next two weeks up until the day I posted that my FIL had died.  Mesmerized by my brilliant writing - not hardly!   Nope, mesmerized by the raw truth contained in those posts.  I believe that the greatest lessons I can learn from the last month of my life are these:  

Until I come to grips with my "control" and to a lesser degree, "money" issues, there will be no "normal" relationship with food.  

Until I can say a resounding NO to circumstances not of my choosing and then stand by that decision, there will be no "normal" relationship with food.  

Until I find the courage to shout from the rooftops, "this is what I need to do for me and although some of these things may seem a bit odd, if you value your relationship with me, you will accept them" there will be no "normal" relationship with food. 

Until I am able to remove myself from situations over which I have no control, not because I have to, but because I don't want to be in them in the first place, there will be no "normal" relationship with food.

Until I am able to say, "I don't want to go there, be that, see that, hear that or spend money for that," there will be no "normal" relationship with food.

What's the point here?  Yes, I am an admitted "control" freak, but I am also learning from the book I am currently studying, John Ortberg's "The Me I Want To Be", that part of becoming this person is understanding who this person REALLY is and being strong enough NOT to allow others to dominate this person in situations that don't matter.  I do know who I really am and I do really LIKE who I am, so what's the problem?

Here's true confession #2:  Yes, I am a person who loves to be in control, but I honestly think the greater issue here is that I recognize I have a unique personality with some odd quirks and I am afraid if I can't control the situation, people might see the "real" me and not like me.  So, when placed in any situation not of my choosing or desire, I use the food to compensate BECAUSE (this is big, big, big!) in the far back recesses of my mind, I subconsciously know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I can control the food, I can eat it ALL and the food will love me unconditionally.  Plus, if I don't eat it all, RIGHT NOW, I'm wasting money and/or food this good might not ever be available to me again.  And then there's the anger!  I'm angry, angry, angry because I am somewhere I don't want to be in the first place and since I've been "forced" into this situation, by george, I'll make whoever forced me sorry.  I'll eat it all and then can blame someone else that I overate because they made me do something I didn't want to do. 

So what in the world do I do with all of this today?  Here's true confession #3:  I haven't the faintest idea!  But I do believe it's a significant breakthrough that I'd have gotten to sooner or later, but as I strongly believe, nothing happens by chance and without the events of the last month in the exact order in which they occurred, I'd likely not have experienced the setback involving the myriad food events associated with death and the aftermath of death.  Being bombarded with all of this during a time of tremendous grief and the emotions involved triggered the setback I've had in losing these last 20 pounds.  

Finally, a good thought............for the first time in days, the words and the tears are flowing freely (more unexpressed grief????), but this post is long enough.  I'll continue tomorrow with the true confessions, but today,  I will confess one more thing.   I love you all, my blog readers, and often write with you in mind, but today, I wrote just for me.  I love that second picture and today I walked (nope, trudged) up that barren path all by myself.  I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm headed that way and I know what it looks like up at the top.  It's where I'm taking the "me I want to be" so she'll be totally content at the "where she wants to be" and free to share it with those that want to come along because they like the "me" she really is.

If you've made it this far today, you are truly a "friend."   Please tell me if ANYTHING speaks to your experiences or if I should head for the closest Chinese buffet line.

Whew, I'm Tired!

Just Before Sunrise on the way to Meigs Creek Trailhead

Walland, TN - September 4, 2010

I couldn't resist stopping to take this picture last Saturday morning.  Don't you just love the clarity of the mountains with the sun just about to peak over the horizon with the fog in the valley.  I do live in a beautiful part of the country.

It has been a cloudy, rainy and cooler day here in east Tennessee.  I only had one small business item to help my MIL with, so had a good part of the day at home.  I chose to spend it playing with my blog and making some changes I'd wanted to make.  Now that I've been blogging for almost four months and am soon to reach 100 posts, thought I'd make it easier for new readers to find the nitty-gritty without having to do a lot of searching. It doesn't look like I did very much, but it certainly took me all day to do it!!  I added some tabs at the top of the page with background info, blog awards listed and pictures (some of which I'd just as soon no one ever saw, but in the interest of full disclosure and all that.............).  

I also added Dawne's "Treat Free September" badge to my sidebar, so throw my name in an extra time for the prize!!  

Still got a few more things I'd like to do, but my main goal is to keep it simple and easy to read.  I'm not a fancy girl, so I'm not looking to have a fancy blog.  I've set a fun goal for myself that I'll share later on.  Now that I've figured out how to add these cute little "pages" up at the top, I really need to use all ten, don't you think??

Right now, if I intend to stay married for the next few years, I better be considering what Mr. B and I can have for dinner.  He's on his way home and will be much more interested in dinner than in whether or not I learned how to add cute little "pages" to my blog!!

Then it's off to choir practice.

Oh, and BTW, I've been so wrapped up in this project all day that I totally forgot to eat.  Fancy that.............

If Only I Could Hike Every Day

Curry Mountain Trail - GSMNP

September 4, 2010 

While hiking this past Saturday, I had a "ah-ha" moment.  When I am on the trail, I do not think about food.  In fact, the only time food crosses my mind is when my stomach suddenly growls loudly telling me to feed it.  This is not necessarily a good thing, because a hiker safety rule is to always hydrate and/or eat BEFORE you sense hunger or thirst.  

Outdoor activity in the form of hiking and biking is my passion.  Lacing up those boots and stepping onto a trail brings out a feeling in me I cannot describe.  When on the trail I feel alive and I can breathe more deeply than at any other time.  And yesterday, for the first time, I embraced the fact that there truly is something I'd rather do than eat.  Ironic, isn't it, that at a time I'm burning more calories and need to be refueled more often, I'm thinking less about the the whole process?

Our pastor gave an illustration Sunday morning that got me to thinking about this.  He was relating this to our "wants" vs. God's "desires" for us, so I am taking it somewhat out of context, but as you know, I try to find relevance in anything that will help me in this weight loss journey.   From Dallas Willard's book, "The Divine Conspiracy, we are told that we often think we know what we want or desire, but those lesser things are not REALLY what we need.  What we need is for our wants to change.  In other words, we need a new "want-er."   As we change our "want-er," then our wants and desires are changed to higher things.

I believe that this is what happens to me on the hiking trail.  I am so at one with nature and in touch with who I really am that everything else, including food and preoccupation with weight, becomes secondary.  Eating assumes it's proper place as fuel for my body and is something I must do in order to have strength to continue rather than something I count the minutes until I do and treasure nothing that happens between this moment and that one. 

Oh how I desire to change my "want-er" to desire the higher things of total health, fitness, inner beauty, peace, moderation and contentment more than the temporary satisfaction of the wants like the next bagel(s), the box of Triscuits, dreams of what wonderful goodies will be served at small group tonight, the dinner party I'm attending on Friday night, sugar, white flour, and on, and on, and on...................................

When I'm on the hiking trail, I've experienced that meshing of my "want-er" being in the right place.  It feels really, really good.   My prayer for myself, and for you, is that we can all find that in every area of our lives.  Then we will truly be free.

Your responses to my last post are printed and posted as promised.  I know them all and will keep my promise to remember you and your specific needs every day.  In whatever form of spiritual direction you follow, please specifically remember Deb tomorrow.  She is having a lumpectomy that she has been assured is benign, but we all know that doctors are not perfect and this does involve anesthesia.  Rest assured that I will keep all your things you wrote me private as I promised, but since Deb posted about this on her blog, I thought it would be o.k. to mention it here. 

I'd really like to reach goal by December 31st, but I think I'm becoming more interested in changing my "want-er."  The Master "want-er" wants far more from Sharon than a number on the scale.  When Sharon finally sees that and joins in  instead of fighting it, "all these things shall be added unto her."

P.S.  Down 2 pounds yesterday, up 2 pounds this morning.

         Lunch w/MIL today.  (P.F. Chang's - heaven help us all!!)
   

What Can I Do For You?

First Signs of Autumn Along the Curry Mountain Trail

GSMNP - September 4, 2010

The past few days have been wonderfully therapeutic for me.  Friday's quiet day at home and yesterday's hike in the mountains have restored my soul in a way I never thought possible in such a short period of time.  Today was the third Sunday in my church's Fall Festival of Renewal and Faith.  Our focus was on renewing your time.  I was in a small group that sang for our early service and then in the choir for the 11:00 service, so I got to hear the sermon twice and I'll have to say that it spoke to me deeply.   

I don't have a whole lot on my mind today and generally try to lessen the amount of time spent tied to the computer on Sunday, however,  there is something I would like from you.   Eight hours in the woods yesterday had me thinking again about how grateful I was for the support you have given me over the past few weeks.  Yes, we have hundreds of friends - the funeral home was filled to capacity for my FIL's service, but there was just something special about the quiet moments here in my den picking up the laptop and reading your words of comfort over and over.  If only there was some way that I could give back even a small part of that. I want to try..................

So as we start a new week with its gains and losses, ups and downs, triumphs and challenges, joys and sorrows, please leave a comment and tell me some very specific thing that needs to happen in your life this week for you to feel as if you're making progress in a forward direction.  Be as honest and specific as you are comfortable being.  If it has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss, that is perfectly o.k.  This is about your life and what is occupying first place in your mind as you look towards a new week. 

What do I plan to do with these comments?  First, let me tell you something I've probably never said before.  Every one of you is not just a face or symbol on my sidebar labeled "follower."  I've read your blogs, I know your stories, I know where you are (as close as you've shared on your profile page) and in case I forget, the highlights of your story are documented on a handy-dandy little spreadsheet I created that is updated every time a new follower pops up and I read their story.  First time commenters are more than welcome - I promise I'll check out your story too!

I plan to print your comments, post them in the privacy of my kitchen directly over the coffee pot and you will know that every morning this week sometime between 6:00 a.m. and 6:30 a.m.(EST), I will read your thoughts, remind myself  where you are and breathe a word of prayer that your day will go well and you'll make that forward progress.   I hope nobody minds that my support will come in the form of prayer.  Since I'm not able to offer my physical presence in the form of friendship, that's the form I believe crosses all the miles.

What do I need this week?  More strength to overcome the cycle of poor eating that is better than it was, but no where near the joyful habits I had cultivated over the summer and was sailing through with little effort or temptation.  I want that joy back.

I like this idea.  Please allow me the honor of supporting you in this way.  It might become a Sunday tradition.

So tell me, friends of mine.................. what very specific thing do you need to have happen in your life this week to feel as if you're making progress in a forward direction? 

Hiking Tomorrow

Indian Flats Falls - GSMNP

September 28, 2009

I have not hiked since July 5 and in more than 10 years of avid hiking, that is the longest I've ever gone between hikes.  I am fortunate to live at the foot of the Great Smoky Mountains National Park and during a normal summer, one can keep going to the higher elevations where temps remain cooler and continue hiking throughout the summer months.  That has not been the case this summer and even at 6,000+ feet, the heat and humidity has been unbearable.  I gave in to it after the July hike and have anxiously anticipated our first break in the weather.  It came today and tomorrow calls for high temps of low 70's, slight north breeze and little humidity.  Didn't take me long to find one of my regular hiking buddies as anxious to go as I was.   (For the record, Mr. B enjoys hiking to a certain extent, but it is not his passion and he is not interested in the distances that are required to complete some of the trails.)  He is perfectly happy to work in his yard while I scale the heights!  I never reveal where I am hiking until after the fact, but our hike tomorrow is 8.7 miles and has 18 creek crossings, so it should be exciting.   I'm not real thrilled about the timber rattlesnake warning for a portion of the trail that has south facing slopes, but it's near the very beginning so maybe they will still be asleep!

I finally got my day to recharge and I have taken full advantage.  This has been the most peaceful and productive day I've had in quite some time.  I had gotten behind in so many ways and although there is a long way to go, I've made some headway and that feels good.  Mr. B has the first week of classes behind him and is feeling very excited about this year.   I am now at liberty to tell you that he will be taking his auditioned choir to France next March during spring break and that his Study Abroad class in Prague next May has been approved.  If the class minimum of eight is met, guess I'll be spending next May in Prague and June in some other European country.  

Eating today has been easy and without temptation.  Tomorrow should be the same although I will need to eat more to compensate for the number of calories I will burn while hiking.  Certainly don't have any problem with that! LOL!!!  

Today's Greatest Challenge:  Fighting the crowds in the grocery store

Today's Greatest Joy:  Having a full day totally to myself.   I confess - I didn't even answer the phone.

Today's Weight:  158 (stayed the same)

Yesterday's Number of Steps:  10657

Today's Food:

B:  Cereal w/milk, grapefruit

L:  Lean Cuisine Santa Fe Rice with Beans, Grape Tomatoes, Sugar Snap Peas

D:  Chicken Fried Rice, Yogurt w/granola

Snack:  Watermelon

I'm curious.  What was your greatest challenge and greatest joy today?

Sliding Into September

Old Sugarlands Trail - GSMNP
February 12, 2010 

This picture was taken at the start of a gorgeous winter hike.  As you can see, we were breaking trail (for non-hikers, that means we were the first set of footprints) and it wasn't long after carefully crossing this bridge that all went haywire.  I took a step in the snow, planted my foot on an icy patch and promptly went hurtling down an embankment.  When I reached the bottom, I realized I had broken a tree limb, started a rockslide and face planted in the creek.  I had a cut across the bridge of my nose, but other than that, seemed unhurt except, of course, for my pride.  When I thought of hitting rock bottom towards the end of August and sliding into September, this is the memory that surfaced and this is the picture that came to mind.  Doesn't that lovely snow-covered split-log bridge look tranquil?  Much like I felt at the beginning of "Awesome August."  Little did I know that just a few minutes later, I'd be sliding down a hill with my face in the creek.  Little did I know what August held or how thankful I would be to slide right out of August into September.

So here we are and what better way to make me feel good than to bestow lovely blog awards on me.  In the last week, I have received three and apologize for my belated "official" acceptance.  I appreciate the thought and it still humbles me that anyone would find my ramblings interesting.

So thanks Dawne  and Kimberlynn for this award:

And Dawne for a second award (geez, what did I do to deserve two??)

The rules for the first award are as follows:

1. Post who gave you this award  (done)

2. State 10 things you like     (see below)

3. Give this award to 10 other bloggers and notify them with a comment on their blog.  (later)

10 Things I Like.....................

1)  putting on my hiking boots and starting out on a trail

2)  loading our bikes on the rack and heading out for a ride

3)  planning our next trip

4)  fresh flowers on our breakfast table

5)  waking up in the morning

6)  sitting on our screened-in porch

7)  sitting by our firepit

8)  reading a good book

9)  spending a lazy afternoon in Border's or Barnes & Noble

10) reading blogs (all of yours, of course, but also travel, hiking, rv'er and early retirement blogs)

The rules for the second award are:

Answer this question: If you had the chance to go back and change one thing in your life, would you and what would it be?   

I would probably have been a Business major in college rather than a Music Major.  The tedious requirements of being a music major almost destroyed my love for music.  I had a natural bent for Business and Financial Management, so probably should have majored in that and used my electives to further my music skills.  HOWEVER, had I been a Business Major and made only an occasional appearance in the Music Department, I might not have met Mr. B.   I had a very rewarding career in Business and used my Music skills as a church pianist for many years, so no, I wouldn't change a thing.

I must pass these awards on to 10 other people who blogs I enjoy:  (This is very hard for me to do because I pay attention and know that many of you to whom I would give this award have already received it and many others, so just know how much I appreciate your wisdom and consider yourself awarded.   I'm going to try and find 10 newbies to "officially" give the award to.)  I'm also going to reserve the right to do this at a later date because I have more to write and don't want this post to become unbearably long.

Thanks again, Dawne and Kimberlynn.  These came at a time when I needed some "strokes" and you gave them to me.   I love both of your blogs and look forward to reading them for a long time to come.

 

Today had some sliding and some backsliding of its own.  More business to take care of, but this time I was on my own just tying up some loose ends at the bank and the cemetery.  This worked well today because I am able to move at a faster pace than when MIL is with me.  It also provided me some MUCH needed time alone.  This introvert is in desperate need of some solitary time to recharge.

 

Today's weight:   158  (down 1.5)

Yesterday's steps:  12147

Today's Greatest Challenge:  A miscommunication with a friend that I didn't see coming.

Today's Greatest Joy:  Time alone

Today I Ate:

B:  Cereal w/skim milk

L:  Soup and Salad  (at Olive Garden - don't even ask, that's the backsliding, probably a gain tomorrow!)

D:  Pork Steak (4 oz), Yellow Squash, Brussell Sprouts 

Snacks:  Grapes, Yogurt

Ssssshhhhh, don't tell anybody, but I think I have a day tomorrow with no set plans or things that have to be done.  It is sorely needed.   I am emotionally spent and just need a day to recharge. 

A New Day

Sunrise from atop Mt. Leconte - August 31, 2010

Great Smoky Mountains National Park

I have to confess that I did not take this picture.  I was invited to participate in this overnight hike to Mt. LeConte, but had to commit by August 1 and not knowing what we were facing with FIL, I declined.  As it turns out, I could have gone and seen this with my own two eyes. The picture took my breath away - can you imagine seeing the real thing?  But as I told the friend who did take the picture, I could not have received a more perfect gift.   A new day, a new month, a new start!

At exactly 6:48 a.m. this morning, I stepped on the scale having no idea what to expect.  Mr. B came running when he heard the scream.  Then he asked if 911 needed to be called when I began to hyperventilate!  I knew it would be painful and it was.  This mornings weight was 159.5, a gain of seven pounds from the low of 152.5 I reached on August 15.  The sidebar will only show a gain of five pounds for the month of August.  It is done, I have confessed it and have moved on.  Reaching my goal of 138 by year-end will be challenging, but is doable.  I am hoping that with a few days of clean eating, I'll lose a little of it quickly since I gained it so quickly.  If I don't, that's o.k. too.  I'll reach goal when I reach it.  The point is, I am confident that I'll reach it at the "right" time.

Today has been a very busy, but good day.  I've realized that some adjustments to the rigid plan I had set for myself need to be made. The "no dining out" thing just isn't going to happen.  MIL and I worked through another ton of business things today and although we've reached a compromise, she insists on taking me out to lunch on the days we work together.  Please understand that FIL was a very picky eater and never enjoyed eating out even when he was healthy.  This is a whole new world for MIL and she is eating it up (no pun intended!!).  Her delight brings me joy and I absolutely will not do anything to dampen that for her.  Our compromise is that we will eat out, but I always choose the place and I tell her in advance what I'm going to order.  She promises to hold me accountable.   This worked perfectly today, so we'll see how it goes.

Today's greatest joy:  Seeing the look of sheer relief on MIL's face when we crossed last item off our list of things to do today.

Today's greatest challenge: Ignoring the Demon Sample Pushers in Sam's Club.

Today's weight:  159.5

Yesterday's Steps:  10,028

Today's Food:

B - Granola with skim milk, cantalope

L-  Lunch portion Carolina Chicken Salad w/lite ranch dressing (Ruby Tuesday)

D - 1/2 c. non-fat yogurt w 1/4 granola, 1 c. raw sugar snap peas 

I'm off to choir practice.  Our Minister of Music is on vacation and Mr. B always "subs," so someone's gotta be there to give him a hard time.  I'm really good at that..........and don't you agree he needs to be punished for yesterday's "butt" shot??