Help, I'm A Control Freak!

Along the Riverwalk in downtown Estes Park, Colorado

May, 2009

It seems as if we are all struggling with our relationship with food right now.  We want to eat like "normal" people.  We want to have more than five minutes pass without thinking of food.  We want to wake up in the morning and have our first thoughts be about something other than what we can eat today.  We want to attend social events without fear that we will go off-plan and ruin that week's efforts.  We want to enjoy trips to Sam's or Costco without giving the Demon Sample Pushers a second glance.  Mostly, we just want to scream, "stop, stop, stop" to the continuous video in our head that says, "you'll never be better. I am food and I will always taunt you." 

My MIL cooked my birthday lunch yesterday - food she knows I love. I did o.k., but still ate more than I should have of all the wrong things.  Unfortunately, there were really no good choices - everything was either fried or swimming in grease. I passed up the corn bread (believe me, that didn't go unnoticed), but went back for seconds of most everything making sure there were no leftovers.  I was stuffed and that feeling is no longer acceptable to me.  So please explain to me why, not 30 minutes after we got home, did I have a BAG of almonds in my hands eating mindlessly from it?  Sure, almonds are nutritionally better than potato chips, but my gosh, the calories.  And the whole point is, I was NOT hungry.  An hour later, I was eating a large bowl of yogurt with blueberries and granola mixed in.  Again, it wasn't a bowl of ice cream, but I was NOT hungry.  But the compulsion to eat was there.  It was all I could think about.  Why?  

Fast forward to my birthday breakfast this morning with MY parents.  I did manage to manipulate (whoops, I mean lovingly persuade) them to take me to Mimi's Cafe instead of IHOP.  With my mom, it's always all about the money (don't forget this!!), so when I mentioned I had a coupon for a free entree, Mimi's it was.  Mimi's publishes comprehensive nutrition information on their website, so I was able to plan in advance and choose a yummy breakfast dish that didn't involve sugar.  I stuck with my plan, ordered quiche lorraine with fruit instead of potatoes, ate half of it and brought the rest home.  I've stayed faithful to plan the rest of today with no problems whatsoever.  Why?  What was different between Sunday lunch and Monday breakfast?

For years, I've spent so much time and energy analyzing the "why" of this.  I can say that things have improved, but could go backwards as quickly as they progress slowly!  Sunday afternoon could easily have become a binge fest.  There were Triscuits in the pantry!  It didn't, but neither was my behavior "normal."  Hunger did not play a role - it was something else.

I think, for me, the answer has something to do with control.  I am a self-admitted control freak.  Put me in any situation where I have zero control and watch me self destruct.  I don't have to control all situations, I just have to know I have a choice.  I had NO control over yesterday's lunch.  In addition to the fact that nothing was served that was in my eating plan, I knew I was being watched and inventory taken of how much I ate or didn't eat.  A remark was made that "surely you aren't going to pass up hot, buttered cornbread on your birthday."  And then later, "what in the world am I going to do with all this cornbread?" No control at all!  So when I got home, I ate again just because I could eat whatever I wanted as much as I wanted.  But it was my decision and I was back in control.  At breakfast this morning, the decisions were all mine and I did just fine.

This is rambling and may make no sense at all, but I was just curious if anything resonates with ANYONE who's struggling with the why of what we do what we do.  Sometimes, the way I react or respond to a food situation seems so random.  Like you, I just want to be a "normal" person who eats to live and then doesn't think about food again until her STOMACH tells her it's time.

Part 2 of this ramble is tomorrow.  What does the fact that, for my mother, it's ALWAYS all about the money, have to do with my food issues?  Plenty, I think.................................